


Jack Chick Knows Dick

by psychomachia



Category: This Is the End (2013)
Genre: Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 16:26:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1096090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/psychomachia/pseuds/psychomachia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"God's probably realized he made a mistake letting us up and now he's getting revenge and we're all going to die. Again.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. "What Don't You Fucking Understand?”

**Author's Note:**

  * For [deepsix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepsix/gifts).



It is a commonly known fact that in the realms of Heaven, Hell, and whatever version of Earth you find yourself on (excepting perhaps the one with sentient shrimp) that there are two types of angels.

1 - The Precious Moments angels. You know that that type of shit. They're nauseatingly adorable, they radiate goodness and light and sunshine out of their ass, and they're always appearing to help people out of trouble that probably deserved being there. Also, they always have some sort of white wings and golden halo.

These angels are not real.

2\. The real angels.

These angels are motherfucking assholes.

You see, angels love wars. Absolutely adore them. They were made to hold flaming swords, spread their majestic wings out, and smite a number of unsuspecting motherfuckers before you can say "Holy shit, what the hell is--"

Angels also love music. Popular culture is completely correct in this instance.

This is always a deadly combination.

\---------------------------------------

**  
**

__

“So which party was worse?” Jay asked, as someone's decapitated head went flying past the corner they were currently huddled in. “The one at Franco's house or this one.”

“The world ended and almost everyone we knew went to hell in the first one,” Seth said. “But we did smoke some quality kush there.”

“True, but this one had hotter girls. Right until all those angel assholes killed them all,” Craig added. “That's some fine ass going to waste.”

“Hey, can't we just wish this to go away,” Seth asked him. “I mean, can't we use like fucking angelic powers and turn those motherfuckers into goo or something.”

“We already tried that. The only thing that happened was a splitting headache and one of those assholes nearly chopping my arm off. No, we're fucked.

“Look, God wouldn't just let us up into Heaven only to kill us off. I'm sure there's a reason for this, a plan--”

“Jay, shut the fuck up. God's probably realized he made a mistake letting us up and now he's getting revenge and we're all going to die. Again.”

Craig looked over to see another body go flying. It was mostly torso this time. “Well, they're getting closer so we should probably get the fuck out of here.”

“We could hide under the table over there," Seth said, looking at a table that up until five minutes ago, contained platters of Milky Ways. The candy was still there, though it was a little hard to see, due to the corpses draped over it. “Wait it out and hope they go after someone else.”

“Or we could try to escape,” Craig said. They watched as a figure tried to run from an angel holding a knife. It didn't get very far before the angel hurled the knife, catching it in the neck and sending a spurt of blood geysering in the air. It collapsed into the mist.

“Shit. Table it is. We'll all go at the same time.” They looked at each other. “On the count of three.”

“One.” Another person went down, this time with a scythe in its leg.

“Two.” A woman screamed.

“Three.”

They ran. Seth and Jay focused only on the table ahead of them, and so they were unable to see the moment that a scythe sent Craig flying high in the air, catapulting far in front of them.

Once under the table, Seth and Jay took a moment to catch their breath.

“Right. I think we'll be safe here.”

“Hey, Seth?”

“Yeah?”

“Where's Craig?”

Seth looked around. “He was right behind us.” They heard more screaming.

“Fuck.”


	2. Craig Robinson and That Dude From That One Movie

Craig stirred, putting a hand to his head. He got up from where he had been knocked to the ground, and wiped the blood from his face. Off in the distance, he could hear screaming. 

“Guys?” he asked. 

It was silent. 

“Ah, shit.” 

He looked around. There were corpses in what used to be white clothing piled up about him. Someone's arm rested in a punch bowl. The rest of the body was next to his foot. 

“Let's think about it,” he said, kicking the arm away from him. “I'm all alone, I have no weapon, and the skinny white boys are hiding their asses. And motherfuckers are trying to kill me. It's just like fucking L.A. all over again.” 

“Well, I don't believe it's quite that bad. You don't have the traffic.” As Craig turned around, a man in a sharp black suit came towards him. 

He was smiling. 

It wasn't natural on him. 

“I don't want any trouble,” Craig said, backing up, until he tripped over another pile of limbs. “I don't know the fuck is going on, but—hey, you look familiar.” 

“I have been told that look like The Actor Christopher Walken From The Prophecy, but I am merely a humble servant of the Lord.” TACWFTP bowed his head. “We often take on faces of those from popular culture in order to appeal to you.”

“I never saw the movie.”

“Hmm.” TACWFTP lifted his head. “Be that as it may, you and your friends are in grave danger. While I do not wish to tear you limb from limb, there are some in heaven who wish you dead from the a grave sin they perceive you have committed.”

Craig began to sweat. “Hey, not all the porn was mine.”

“It was not about the porn.”

“And Danny deserved to be kicked out.”

“We agree. It was not about the asshole.”

“What the fuck is it, then? Because if it's about that Tyler Perry movie, I needed the money, man.”

“It is nothing to do with what you did on Earth, but what you have done here in Heaven.”

“Is this a whole thing about old-school angels thinking humans are lower than them? Because that happened in some piece of shit that Jay watched and that's bullshit.”

“No, we angels have made peace with the fact that humanity exists in this realm. I am speaking of the summoning of the Backstreet Boys.”

“Wait, what the fuck?” Craig stared at him. “That's what this is fucking about?”

“Some in Heaven feel that 'N Sync would have been a better choice. And the old guard still believes that something known as 'the Package Tour' should have taken precedence. There are even some rebels who believe that the day of man has passed entirely and no boy band should be summoned. They believe in a different path. And of course, there are the heretics, but their blasphemy shall remain unspoken for now.”

“So you're saying that I'm this close to getting my guts yanked out on me and shoved down my throat because of my choice in my music? That's fucked.”

“Well, yes, it is. But no one has ever claimed angels are fair. You probably should have watched The Prophecy. It's a very good movie.”

Craig sighed. “So why the fuck are you here instead of killing with all your asshole friends?”

TACWFTP held out his hand. “I believe there may be a solution at hand. But I require your assistance with it. And your friends' as well.”

“I don't know where they are.”

“I have some friends working on it.”


	3. Seth and Jay Have a Touching Moment

It was hour three (as far as one could measure in a place with no real time) and Seth and Jay were still hiding under the table. 

“You know, we could make this our new home. I mean, we still have the Milky Ways, there's a case of Coronas on the other end, and if we need to take a shit or something, we could go in the corner.”

“Dude, I don't know what kind of weird porn you have, but I am not watching you take a dump.”

“Well, do you want to stick your dick out there and have one of those assholes with the knives chop it off? Because I kind of like mine right where it is.”

“Shit, man. I thought heaven was supposed to be cool. Instead, it's like Franco's house – with even more assholes than usual.”

“But Danny's not here.”

“True.” Seth laughed. “I'm only stuck with you.”

“Hey, if I was going to be stuck with anyone, I'm glad it's you.”

“Dude, don't make it--”

“Shut up!” Jay hissed. “I'm being serious here. Look, we've been through lots of shit, including a bunch of people dying, I still don't know if my family survived, and a bunch of demons nearly ate us. Plus, Jonah was an absolute dick, and that doesn't even matter, because he's dead and we're not. But now we're about to be killed by other angels and I don't even know why except maybe because they think we don't belong here.”

“I told you to stop watching that CW shit.”

“Hey, fuck you. It's a good series and it's filmed in Vancouver. “ He took a breath. “But I'm not unhappy because you're here with me and you're my best friend and--”

Seth stared at him as he took a breath. “Dude, what?”

“And I--”

“Stop being pussies and come out!” a voice yelled from above them. “There's no one here, and I was told to come get you assholes.”

Seth and Jay looked at each other. It couldn't be. They stretched their legs and crawled from underneath the table to bump into a woman holding a scythe in one arm. 

“Yeah, it's fucking me. Nice to see you assholes, too,” Emma Watson. “Nice to see you survived too. Sorry for stealing all your stuff and thinking you were going to rape me.”

“That's all right,” Jay said cautiously. “I'm glad you survived. How did you—”

“It's a long story that involves me decapitating a whole lot of things and blowing up a hair salon, but that doesn't matter. Heaven's gone insane because of you guys and we have to sort it out.”

“What the fuck did we do?” Seth asked. 

“Long story short – you wished for the Backstreet Boys, you pissed off the angels who were into other bands since they felt you placed them above all others, and now they want you dead.”

“That is the single stupidest reason I've ever heard.”

“Well, no one said anything about this situation was smart.” 

“We have to go!” They turned around to see a dark-haired woman waving at them. The woman called again. “Emma, Victoria says we have to go. She doesn't want to miss anything.” 

“Hey, is that--?” 

“Yes, it's Natalie. We met up when she, Mila, and Kerry took down Belial with some dynamite.” Emma narrowed her eyes. “What? You thought only you guys survived?”

“No, it's just--”

Seth interrupted Jay. “Hey, if you guys have a thing, do you think I could--?”

“Fuck you. I'm not fulfilling your lesbian three-way fantasies. Now tighten up your balls and come with me. We've got a meeting to attend."


	4. You Gotta Get With My Friends

“We've all come here to make an alliance, gentlemen,” Justin Timberlake said, steepling his fingers. "We need to come to some sort of agreement before all of us have our dicks in a box." 

"Agreed," said Brian Littrell. "While Justin and I may have a rivalry that is legendary in pop music, we recognize that this bloodshed has to end. It's not Christian and we need to put our differences aside.”

Craig sat uncomfortable in a chair on the left side of a long table. When he arrived there with TACWFTP, the angel had explained that even though Heaven was often formless mist, made solid only with the wishes of others (a system temporarily down), certain places existed as fixed, immovable spots. One of them were conference rooms. 

(“God likes to promote synergy in the workforce and emphasize core competencies,” he said, nodding. “He has not felt the need to tell me what that means yet.”)

Brian added. “That is why we have invited all of the current factions to attend. Each group has selected one person to represent themselves in the meeting. Justin, of course, represents 'N Sync and I , the Backstreet Boys. From 98 Degrees, we have Nick Lachey. From Boyz II Men, Shawn Stockman. From New Kids On The Block, Donnie Walhberg. And from One Direction, Louis Tomlinson.” 

As each man was introduced, they stood up and waved to rapturous applause from their various bands. Justin cleared his throat. “Gentlemen--

“Not so fast,” echoed a voice in the room. “I believe this meeting cannot start without us.” Everyone stared as a red-haired woman walked in the room. She glared down at them. Behind her, several more people trailed into the room. 

“The Spice Girls,” Brian said. “I might have known you would be--”

“Sod off,” she said. “We're not here to cause trouble. We just feel any pop alliance would be incomplete without our support.”

Nick started to rise, but Justin held up his hand. “That is an excellent point, ladies. We would be honored to have you here. Make some room for them.” 

As they rearranged chairs around the room, a few people standing up to make room, Craig spotted Seth and Jay. They made eye contact, and sat down in the chairs next to him. He leaned over.

“Where the fuck were you?” he asked. “You didn't even fucking look for me.”

Seth whispered back. “Hey, fuck you man. We were fucking trapped under a table until Hermione dragged our asses out.”

“Emma's here?” 

“Yeah, fuck she's here. And she's just as fucking scary.”

“Look, I don't know what's going on, but people keep insisting we're the ones to blame,” Jay whispered. “So--”

“Gentlemen, if you wouldn't mind?” Craig looked up to see the rest of the table staring at them. “I believe we have some business to attend to.”

“I have a question,” Jay asked. “Why exactly are we here?” He turned to look at Emma, standing against the wall. 

“I have no idea,” Emma said. “We were just told to bring you here.” She glanced at TACWFTP. “He said it was important.”

“It's God's will,” the angel said solemnly. 

“Getting back to business matters,” Brian said, “I propose we cease whatever fighting there is in our groups and unite to bring this mayhem to a close. We should address our angelic brothers and let them know that we are all equals--.”

There was a rumbling in the distance. People looked around the room uneasy. 

“Equals,” he repeated. “That no matter what group we come from, we can find some sort of--” 

The rumbling grew closer. The room began to shake. 

Justin turned to look at TACWFTP. “You said this room was safe.” 

“It is safe,” the angel said, “I mean, as long as the angelic runes of cloaking--” He closed his eyes for a few seconds, and opened them frantically. “They're gone! But who would do this?”

A cackling came out from the crowd. A mad laughter that filled the room, causing the crowd to back away and reveal--

“Justin Bieber!” 

“Don't you know there's room for only one teenage idol? And that's me.”

And it was now too late. 

Angels burst into the room, the doors ripped from the hinges. Everyone grabbed chairs and whatever they could find to defend themselves, but for most, it was no use. Emma picked up her scythe, a gleam of murder in her eye. 

Seth and Jay once again dove under a table. 

“Shit, where's Craig?” Seth asked.

“I'm right here,” he said. “And he came with me.” Next to him, TACWFTP waved his hand. 

“It's nice to finally meet you,” he said cheerfully.

Jay looked at him. “Aren't you Christopher Walken? From that time you were in The Prophecy?” 

The angel bowed his head. “Though I am not the actual man, I am glad you know my form.”

“All right! Fuck, if we survive, I'll watch that movie,” Craig said. 

“You may be at peace,” he said. “For it is almost over now.”

“What do you mean almost over?” Seth asked. “Fuck, man, I don't want to die.” There was a splintering of wood above him. He clutched Jay's arm, as they moved in tighter.

The table cracked. They hugged each other. Craig grabbed both of them and held on tight. The angel smiled.

“Any minute now.”

The table fell away. Above them, bloody angels clutching scythes began to swing. Their eyes were merciless. 

“I love you guys!” 

They swung down. 

“All right, all of you knock it the fuck off right this instance!” 

There was a gigantic blinding, burst of light and--


	5. Happy Endings Cost More

“That's it? God just says knock it the fuck off and everything goes back to normal?” Jay stepped over a few charred angelic bodies. As he watched, they sank through the clouds and disappeared from view.

“Pretty much,” The Angel Christopher Walken From The Prophecy said. “Why? Did you honestly think anyone was dead?” In a corner, Justin Timberlake was hugging Nick Carter with an enthusiasm that bordered on the 'are they going to start screwing now?' Victoria Beckham took pictures. 

“Well, Nick Lachey did have his head ripped off. And I'm pretty sure at least half of New Kids On The Block were disemboweled. And I think Scary Spice set someone on fire.” Craig looked over as people in white began to get up, shaking their heads and looking around dazed. All the blood and guts seemed to have vanished. 

“But you're in Heaven. Where do you think you'd go if you died. Back to Earth?” TACWFTP shook his head. “Once you make it here, that's it. If you die here, you just re-spawn.”

“Everyone tried to kill each other.”

“God forgives all sins and understands men's frailties.”

“Even if someone maybe ended up using someone else's corpse as a human shield?” Seth asked. “Not that I'm saying any of us did that.”

“God understands that everyone makes mistakes.” Donnie Wahlberg was weeping on Shawn Stockman's shoulder, while Drew Lachey patted his head. 

“But Bieber's still dead.” Jay said. 

“God still doesn't like assholes. Plus we're still not even sure how he got up here. Seriously, it's not like anyone wished for him.” 

“Yeah, about that. Why the fuck did wishes stop working? What the fuck, man?” 

TACWFTF sighed. “God needed to test his faithful angelic host. We needed to know who was true to his word and who was not. Those who could not control themselves need to reflect upon those actions.”

“I see,” Jay said. “So he basically let a bunch of angels with anger management issues murder thousands of people in order to find out who needs a time-out.” 

“Well, that, and he had to find out who was a Belieber.” Harry Styles and Zayn Malik were now leading the crowd in a rousing rendition of “Best Song Ever” while everyone held hands and swayed. “Those shall be cast down from Heaven and doomed to wander the blasted hellish regions now crawling with legions of demons.”

“Just for liking a pop song?” Jay asked. “That seems a little harsh.” 

“God really hates that 'Baby' song.”

“So why the fuck did we have to be at that meeting?” Seth asked. “We did jack-shit there. “

“Yeah,” Jay added. “I mean, we might have been part of the reason it started, but we didn't need to be there to end it.”

“He just wanted you to suffer a little bit.” TACWFTP smiled another creepy smile. “He may forgive your sins, but that doesn't mean he forgets them.”

Craig, Jay and Seth looked at each other and shuddered.

“Now I believe it's time for another awesome party!”


	6. In the Land of Actual Flaming Hot Cheetos

“Why the fuck am I the priest?”

“Because Lilith's coming over and she's already playing the Black Mage. You know I have the level 40 berserker. And Belphegor's been playing his thief for eons. Satan wants a balanced party.”

“But I fucking hate--” Jonah twitched. “Can't we just not play fucking D&D for one goddamn weekend? I could jerk you off instead?”

Asmodeus sighed and petted his head, slightly crushing it in the process. “You know Satan loves RPGs. And he really wants to do a run of Tomb of Horrors. He just got the scenario.”

“Seriously, I will suck you off right now.” The doorbell rang. “I will get on my knees and blow you like you've never been blown before if you get us out of this.”

“Later. Now get the door. I think the pizza guy's here.” 

Jonah trudged his way to the door of what used to be a quite lovely Malibu beach house, now caked in blood and various body organs. “You better have ordered wings,” he yelled. 

He opened the door. “What the fuck?” he hissed.

“Yeah, fuck you too, Jonah.”

“What the fuck happened to you, Franco?”

“Well, that's what happens when Danny and his fucking freaks gnaw your arm off. I'm lucky I got out of there with at least one of my balls still intact.” 

“Wait, what?” 

“Yeah, Danny's a fucking gay cannibal who's banging Magic Mike. Don't ask me how he managed to score that piece of ass.”

“Shit.”

“And hey, you're getting buttfucked regularly by a demon. Am I getting an invitation soon? I think you're still legal in California.”

“Fuck you.”

“Sorry, I'm not a bottom.” At Jonah's increasing fury, James held up his hands. “But I'm not here to talk about who's fucking who and who I should be buying a toaster for. I need your help.”

“Unless you want to be some fucking dwarf with an axe, I'm not interested. In case you forgot, I don't really like you. In fact, the only one I want to see with a red hot poker up their ass more than you is Jay.”

“But that's just it. I can help you get to him. See, I've got a plan to get us into heaven that I'm pretty sure your boss is going to be interested in.” Franco whistled. A figure came up beside him, hood pulled dramatically low. “And he and his friends are going to help.”

Behind him, several burnt figures got out of a van. A few of them waved scythes in a generally menacing manner. And if you listened carefully and if you perhaps knew a smidgen of Enochian, you could hear them sing the following words that would chill your very soul.

“There's gonna be one less lonely girl.”

The figure pulled back the hood. “Let's just say things are going to be... Happening.” 

Mark Wahlberg smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Let's just say I put Pandora on Backstreet Boys radio and left it there. 
> 
> Oh, and the Enochian translates as:
> 
> Backstreet's Back, all right!  
> Baby Bye, bye, bye...


End file.
